2 good things

A few years ago my boss and I were sitting in the office dealing with the usual issues at work. It had been hectic and while some things were going good others were going bad. We were faced with some critical deadlines when I had a thought (it happens).

I looked at my boss and simply said "two things". He looked at me like I had lost any semblance of rational thought which, looking back, may have been partly true. Year ends, tax season and auditors can do that to an accountant.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. He looked at me for a minute and then said "what the heck do you mean 'two things'"? To which I responded"tell me two good things that happened today. Don't think about it, just tell me two good things."

That led to an agreement that at any time of the day we could ask the other guy to state two good things. We were only allowed to do it once a day at most and the two good things could be related to work, home, church, sports, whatever. It did not have to be a specific topic and the only thing that needed to be said was "two things" and at that point, nothing else could be discussed until those two positive things from that day were stated.

I discovered several things from that agreement:

1. You would be amazed at how hard it can be to think of two good things if you are immersed in a hectic or difficult day.

2. Being forced to think of two good things almost immediately turns a bad day on its head. It is very difficult to not feel better when you do realize that good things are happening.

3. It's a lot of fun to be in the middle of a conversation, say the words"two things" and watch the other person's mind click into gear as they try to come up with something.

4. When it is possible that someone can ask you at any time, with no notice, for two good things, you tend to keep trying to spot good things so that you are ready.

Want to have some fun? Find someone you work with or spend a lot of time with. NOT your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend (too much potential for fights or using it at the wrong time). Then try doing the "two things" process. It can be fun while at the same time it helps to refocus you on the positive things in your life. My boss moved on to another company almost two years ago. We still keep in touch and will occasionally throw out "two good things" at each other. And every time it still brings a smile to my face.

So.....if you're reading this, quick, list two good things. I dare you. :-)

Hidden Pain

"You're so strong to be able to deal with this", "how do you do it?","I couldn't do it", "it sure must be hard" And on and on and on.

The comments above have been made to me on several occasions. Why? Because I hide my pain and I know several others who do so as well.

There's my friend who everyone is amazed by and yet who I have spent many hours talking with about how his heart has been ripped out and at times his hope has been almost non-existent. How there have been days where it takes all the strength he can muster to simply get up in the morning.

There's the incredibly successful professional who has chosen to open up to me and share things that I never would have expected. And that I can guarantee virtually no one she interacts with on a professional level has any idea. She struggles to juggle everything in her life and yet, as she said to me today, what are her options? She is needed on so many levels that she has to keep going.

There's the friend who is a former preacher who has a heart of compassion that I have rarely seen. Always a quip ready, always an encouraging word, and yet personal issues have ripped apart his life and the pain is ever-present.

So much pain, so much suffering, and yet only those who are close to them know about it.
I know people who are dealing with things that I could never handle and I also know people who could never deal with what I have over the past five years. And I am quite sure I have been surrounded by people in pain who have hidden it so well that I had no clue what they were dealing with.

What I am now sure of is this: There is more pain in people's lives than many of us realize and it is nearly impossible to know about that pain unless you get to know the person. That and the fact that regardless of the pain life goes on. Stopping is not possible and sometimes the only option a person has is to keep moving in spite of the pain.

You want to be helpful to someone experiencing pain? Here are a couple of suggestions:
1. Be willing to walk with them. Don't lead them, don't push them, walk beside them.
2. If you don't know how to help, don't worry about it. Just be yourself and let them choose to spend time with you or not. It is not about you or your relationship. At this point it is about them. And odds are good that you are helping without even knowing it just by being a friend.
3. People who really want to get through or past their pain will only share it with those they are close to. People who want to use their pain to garner sympathy will tell anyone who will listen. And often they are not as interested in being helped or supported as they are in getting someone on their side. I know that sounds harsh, but often-times reality can be that way.

Life is not a pain-filled journey for everyone. Some people go through life experiencing very little pain. Some people experience more than their fair share. That's just the way life is.

Just remember the next time you go to use one of the comments I shared at the start (or something like it) that odds are good the person you are talking to is not as strong as you think. And maybe instead of asking those questions or making those comments, you would be wiser to ask how you can help. You would be surprised how even an offer of help can energize someone dealing with pain. Even if they turn down your offer, the fact that someone offered to help or listen provides hope. And if there is anything that has a chance to fight against hidden pain, it is hope.

No more "Mr.Nice Guy"

No, I'm not turning into a "bad boy" even though that would seem to enhance my chances with the ladies. And I'm not becoming a jerk. That's simply not in my nature. But after working at it for about five years I think I am finally ready to move away from being called a "nice guy"

Look up "nice" in Webster's Online Dictionary and the first definition you will see is pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance. So basically being nice is just being present. A nice guy doesn't offend anyone, stand out, stand for anything or risk anything. He is always reliable because it is easy to know what to expect and is safe.

For a long time I worked to become a nice guy. Don't rock the boat. Don't offend anyone. And for heaven's sake don't speak my mind if there is any risk involved. About five years ago, I began to realize that being "nice" was killing me on the inside. I was becoming nothing to everyone. But I had no clue how to change. Society wanted me to be safe. Work wanted me to be safe. My wife wanted me to be safe. My church wanted me to be safe. And safe = nice so that was what was expected.

About two and a half years ago, while my marriage was in it's last stages, my oldest daughter said something that made me realize how being a "nice" guy had damaged my children. We went to see the movie The Fantastic Four and afterwards she said I was like Mr. Fantastic. I took it as a compliment as he was the leader of the group but was quickly corrected. She said "you're like him because you're so flexible. You bend over backwards and never stand up to anyone, especially mom. You are always nice no matter who does what to you. And your son (she used his name) is just like you" Those words cut deep but as I look back on them, they were exactly what I needed.

Since that time, I have focused on becoming a guy who will make a difference. I'm not a jerk and I don't work on being mean. In fact, often-times I will come across as being nice simply because that is how people will view it. But for the first time in my life, people have started referring to me as "good" instead of "nice" and there is a significant difference in expectations. You see, good people are expected to make a difference. They are expected to stand for what is right and help people. And I'm fine with that. The best thing is, it seems anyone who matters to me is fine with that too.

New Beginnings

Well, here goes nothing. I figured that was an appropriate title to my blog. After all, it's what I often say when taking a leap of faith into the unknown (which is where I have spent the better part of the past two and a half years).

It's amazing what you can handle when you don't know what's coming. My life has been turned somewhat upside-down these past couple of years and yet I still keep moving along. Some days good, some days bad, but each day I wake up and move on. I tend to think as long as I'm on the right side of the grass, things can't be all bad.

So, here begins the adventure. Maybe someone will read this or maybe no one will. Maybe I'll become famous or maybe I will write this in obscurity. Doesn't really matter because regardless of what happens, this is me doing something for myself. And as the adventure begins, all I can say is......here goes nothing. :-)