Hidden Pain

"You're so strong to be able to deal with this", "how do you do it?","I couldn't do it", "it sure must be hard" And on and on and on.

The comments above have been made to me on several occasions. Why? Because I hide my pain and I know several others who do so as well.

There's my friend who everyone is amazed by and yet who I have spent many hours talking with about how his heart has been ripped out and at times his hope has been almost non-existent. How there have been days where it takes all the strength he can muster to simply get up in the morning.

There's the incredibly successful professional who has chosen to open up to me and share things that I never would have expected. And that I can guarantee virtually no one she interacts with on a professional level has any idea. She struggles to juggle everything in her life and yet, as she said to me today, what are her options? She is needed on so many levels that she has to keep going.

There's the friend who is a former preacher who has a heart of compassion that I have rarely seen. Always a quip ready, always an encouraging word, and yet personal issues have ripped apart his life and the pain is ever-present.

So much pain, so much suffering, and yet only those who are close to them know about it.
I know people who are dealing with things that I could never handle and I also know people who could never deal with what I have over the past five years. And I am quite sure I have been surrounded by people in pain who have hidden it so well that I had no clue what they were dealing with.

What I am now sure of is this: There is more pain in people's lives than many of us realize and it is nearly impossible to know about that pain unless you get to know the person. That and the fact that regardless of the pain life goes on. Stopping is not possible and sometimes the only option a person has is to keep moving in spite of the pain.

You want to be helpful to someone experiencing pain? Here are a couple of suggestions:
1. Be willing to walk with them. Don't lead them, don't push them, walk beside them.
2. If you don't know how to help, don't worry about it. Just be yourself and let them choose to spend time with you or not. It is not about you or your relationship. At this point it is about them. And odds are good that you are helping without even knowing it just by being a friend.
3. People who really want to get through or past their pain will only share it with those they are close to. People who want to use their pain to garner sympathy will tell anyone who will listen. And often they are not as interested in being helped or supported as they are in getting someone on their side. I know that sounds harsh, but often-times reality can be that way.

Life is not a pain-filled journey for everyone. Some people go through life experiencing very little pain. Some people experience more than their fair share. That's just the way life is.

Just remember the next time you go to use one of the comments I shared at the start (or something like it) that odds are good the person you are talking to is not as strong as you think. And maybe instead of asking those questions or making those comments, you would be wiser to ask how you can help. You would be surprised how even an offer of help can energize someone dealing with pain. Even if they turn down your offer, the fact that someone offered to help or listen provides hope. And if there is anything that has a chance to fight against hidden pain, it is hope.